Dear Philadelphia,

You might have noticed the big event down at the Wachovia Center over the weekend called the NCAA tournament. Its kind of a big deal in most places around the country, and not just because Villanova is involved. Its a big deal because it is one of the purest competitions left in all of american sports, and because it is one of the most dramatic. It is such a great event that we flock to it every spring at a different location. Choosing the location hasn’t been scientific, it has been based largely on being able to get tickets and drive there in a day. I guess in the future we are going to have to put a little more thought into it. This year we came to Philadelphia to drop a little coin on junk food, beer, hoops, and whatever cheap crap looked like it would be fun to take home with us. We expected to be at our best venue yet, in a top american city, where people loved the above mentioned items as much as we did. Instead we ended up in Chudsville where beer was as scarce as hot looking women and parking spaces.

Let me just say that if you are going to charge $21 in tolls just to get to your city you ought to put something there that might be worth looking at. And if you aren’t going to put anything worthwhile in your town then at least have a handful of places where people can go and get drunk so they don’t have to deal with the reality of living in such a place. I honestly don’t know how people even hook up in that town without booze. I’ve never seen so many greasy mookes and lot lizards in all my life. Harry d-bags with gold chains and dull expressions walking around a dingy burgh full of wig shops, free clinics, and tagged vacants trying to find one decent looking woman to yell obcenities at appears to be your social scene. By the way we found the one decent looking woman in Philadelphia but we are going to keep her identity secret so that she doesn’t have to deal with you mopes.

Have you guys ever heard of Jimmy John’s or Tubby’s? Both make an excellent sub (not a hoagie) both have short waits, ample parking, sanitary kitchens, reasonable prices, and people working there that don’t have Hep C and chud manners. Pat’s and Genno’s offer nothing that I want to eat ever again. Keep your gut bomb sandwiches, 45 minute lines, broken english ordering systems, and sleaze ball smoking cooks. We couldn’t even get back to the hotel before Chet was doubled over. I ordered two and ate one. That was one wit by the way whatever the hell that means. I’m not sure why you would even need a code. You should just go up there and order up a big roll of hot garbage because no matter what that is what you get. In regards to “crab fries,” putting old bay on french fries doesn’t make them seafood. 

Needless to say you have failed to impress or satisfy myself and my fellow trip members with your food, drink, or city. Your knowledge of sports was the one thing I thought you had no matter what. Once again you were given too much credit. The Wachovia is how many years old? and its already a dank hole. The sticky floor was intolerable enough but having to get up during play so another skell in a Phillies world series shirt could squeeze by after their third water ice of the game was as annoying as your accents. Just because Villanova isn’t on the court doesn’t mean basic etiquette doesn’t apply. Try and get in your seats before play resumes so you don’t disturb other fans, and while you’re at it maybe stick around for one of the other games in the session. Very few people stayed for a complete game not involving Nova and Jay Wright’s pimp suits.

We have fun where ever we go, and we had a good time on this trip but it was in spite of Philly. Your reputation for being sleazy jerks is well deserved and we aren’t coming back there unless the hurst takes a wrong turn. I think I speak for the entire trip when I say….Next time bring your sister ya hump!

Sincerely,

The Trip

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